Maybe I’m lucky. I don’t see it. I don’t feel any discrimination around me because I am a woman. Of course, it exists. But not around me. And not because I’m delusional either. 

I grew up straddling two cultures with two very different views on women and their roles. At home, I was the oldest and expected to look after my siblings, pick them up from school, help them with homework and even help cook. At school, I enjoyed playing basketball with the boys and sometimes even won - until around 14 when they grew taller me. But it was not a Western education that defined me and made the strong-willed person I am today. It was my father.

Growing up in a restaurant

Like many Chinese immigrants, my father owns a Chinese restaurant where I spent many summers and most weekends during high school and college. With the exception of a waitress, I was always the only girl. I was the boss’ daughter but my father did not raise me like one. In addition to answering phones and hostessing, I washed dishes, bused tables, manned the frialator, schlepped supplies and even cleaned a toilet - if needed. I grew up one as of the guys and did everything they did. Well, almost. The 100 pound bags of flour were too much for me to carry. I was also generally not allowed to take deliveries, especially to new customers because my father worried they might be sickos. 

Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that there is little room for the weak and passive. You need to be quick on your feet to solve problems as they arise. By the time I was in college, I knew how to appease customers when we made mistakes (say sorry and mean it). I knew how to get diva chefs to stop complaining and work: curse them out like a sailor. The Chinese restaurant culture is one of dinner time stress, followed by forgive and forget so it worked. But, as in life, demonstration of strength and force does not work when it matters most. 

Dinner! at the restaurant. Copyright Sally Ng.

A butcher’s knife

Last year, on New Year’s Eve and the busiest night of the year,  we were already really backed up an hour into the rush. And suddenly I heard yelling in the kitchen - not unusual. But I went in to find a rivalry about to explode. The head chef Peter* was being held back by two cooks and Jacky* the manager. On the other side was my uncle Bobby* with a giant butcher knife raised and ready to hack Peter up into little bits. Peter is struggling to get a knife for himself to challenge Bobby. Everyone is shouting. I look outside through the kitchen door to see many waiting customers and think: FUCK. I can handle angry customers, but not bleeding people. My father was managing another busier restaurant and sent Jacky to help me out.

Without thinking, I walk up to my crazy uncle Bobby and ask him if he has his keys. He was not expecting that question so it made him stop. He asks why and immediately starts to shout about Peter and waves his knife. I repeat my question shouting back at him. Then he pulls his keys out of his pocket and shows them to me. The others become quieter. Keeping my voice raised, I ask him if those are his car keys and if he drove here on his own. He tries to start shouting about Peter again but I hold my ground and shout back he needs to leave now. He’s fired and needs to walk out and drive off right now. He says I can’t do that and that we need him for the busiest night of the year. I ignore the first statement and tell him we don’t need him causing trouble and that we will manage without him. The rest of us are ready to work harder to get through the evening.

He blinks a few times, sighs and puts down the knife. I tell him to leave again but he doesn’t move. Then I say: fine, stay. But you get one chance and if you do anything like that again, I’ll throw you out immediately.

Everyone goes back to work and there was no more fighting in the kitchen for the night. We survived the evening as a team and later met up with the other restaurant team in Chinatown to ring in the New Year with drinks and dinner.

Often in tense situations that matter, i.e. amongst family, teams, etc. and not muggers, the answer is not force, but firmness. Body language and mien communicate more than words and weapons. I believe this is especially true for women. Any one of those guys in the kitchen can beat me to a pulp, including my short crazy uncle. But my whole being and firm manner said don’t mess with me. And no one did. This method works better than any other. The best understand this, examine horses and how humans interact with them.

On Horses and HuMans

I used to be afraid of horses. Because of their size and strength, they could kill me with one kick! I now know horses are gentle beasts and that the only way you can get a horse to do what you want is to be honest and win their trust. Then, if they do not obey, you use body language to demonstrate firmness. The great thing about horses is that you cannot cheat them. Managers can fake leadership and control of a team by being forceful. And the team may even comply. But a horse senses and knows if you are serious and one to be feared or not. In fact, there are leadership training seminars using horses, whose customers include big name companies like HP, McKinsey, Shell, Siemens and Vodafone.

So the next time you’re in a tense situation, whether you’re a man or woman (or horse), remember that your body language and manner say more than words. 

Me with my friend’s horse Dalido (December 2008)

On discrimination against women

Finally, to return to my original intention to address discrimination and sexism, I do not believe that I or any woman is disadvantaged in any meaningful way that affects our success, in life and in our careers. But people feel discriminated against. I probably don’t feel any discrimination against me for being a woman not because I act like a man or a bitch, but because I don’t let anyone bully me, man or woman, colleague or boss.

Discrimination exists, of course.  But it’s really the weak that are discriminated against and often it’s women. While I certainly believe we should call people out on discrimination if we see it that way, it’s not the solution, but only a response. Women need to learn not to fight, but to stand up for themselves as they are. We should learn to be firm and steadfast and to do that not with attitude or force in a way that imitate men but somehow makes us mean angry bitches. We should just rise above that level and become leaders. Note I said become. Because I believe that while managers are chosen, leaders emerge.

*All names have been changed to random English ones to keep people straight